Defeated
Today, I feel defeated. Today, I feel the path that I’ve been walking on so narrowly has been the wrong one all along. Today, I feel like I have failed.
And it’s strange to sit here with this feeling. Ironic, really, to feel this way when I’m on the verge of getting my MBA, when I’m working for an iconic international company, when I’m so close to closing on my first home… It’s strange to feel like I’ve done nothing with my life when others have told me I’ve done so much so far. But let me be honest, friends. The truth is, no matter how many steps I take climbing the corporate ladder, I continue to stand in place every time an accomplishment reminds of me of just how little I’ve actually lived. I mean, to really LIVE—to contribute some way to the happiness of others; to see parts of the world that isn’t infested with violence or tourism; to take more breaks in the day without clock-watching. To live. That sure isn’t what I’m doing by spending all day in a cubicle and in meetings arguing with others about the best way to increase the bottom line. I failed at living today. Today, I failed more so than on other days.
And it’s sad to put these thoughts into writing because after I save these words, I’ll continue on with life as usual. Nothing changes.
Oh Dearest, I fully understand the venting nature of this post, but how you worry me.
There is nothing wrong with realizing that “success” doesn’t equate to splendid quality of life. Success for you has become a cycle of meetings, frustration, homework, studying, reading, and extra work from home; the truly ironic part is that you are so damn good at it, but it is certainly no wonder everything feels drab. This isn’t what you imagined your life would be like, is it?
I have always felt that the biggest challenge in your life will not come in the form of finances, degrees and titles; but in having the courage to sacrifice those things for what you really want.
Harmless Advice:
Figure out what you actually want out of life. Be specific and acknowledge that expectations are responsible for our disappointments, but if we aren’t working toward our expectations WTF are we doing? It’ll be a long sorry life.
The thing is… I don’t really care (and neither should you!) about the MBA, iconic employment, or buying a house if it isn’t bringing you a sense of fulfillment. Logically we can see the value; but if it’s got you down, you have to ask “Is it worth it?” I am lucky to have become so simple. As long as I have you, I am confident that things will work out and my life will be full.
Lastly,
“And it’s sad to put these thoughts into writing because after I save these words, I’ll continue on with life as usual. Nothing changes.”
This line kinda bothers me, because it’s so void of hope. If you honestly choose to live a life of “failure” and “defeat”; it’ll be a matter of time until resentment and regret creep into your character. If I read this blog and don’t make a fuss about it, I will be an accomplice to your future regrets. Not exactly where I want to see my life headed.
Be fearless sweetie, decide what you want out of life, I got your back.